“…and I’m committed to being here with you as a resource for your nervous system.”Īgain, I assume the original idea is offered with the best intention. “…and you have the capacity to heal within safe and supportive relationships.” So, what do we say to a trauma survivor after they’ve had the space and time to acknowledge trauma is not their fault? Humans need to feel safe, strong and connected, and we’d be well-served to keep these in mind as we search for what to say next. We’re social mammals who require the presence of another nervous system for critical developmental tasks, and our ability to co-regulate is vital for healing trauma. I’m not convinced that saying, “…but you’re responsible for your healing” creates a supportive context. To be clear, I believe in survivors’ capacity for healing, which is why I’m passionate about helping to create a supportive and empowering context. There’s a great deal of healing potential here if we’re willing to sit with survivors without giving in to our impulse to fix it, solve it, make it go away, or in this example, ascribe responsibility. It’s important to hang out here for a while. This pause may be the first time a survivor feels heard and understood.
It’s a place without a dismissive “but…” or added pressure of any kind. A space that is frequently punctuated with a sigh of relief. This pause creates some much-needed space.
#Trauma meme full#
Something happens when we add a well-placed full stop at the end of, “Trauma is not your fault ” Related: 'Grey's Anatomy' Tackles Trauma Recovery Through EMDR Therapy Trauma already feels like a personal failing or weakness, and “your responsibility” adds one more shortcoming to your list, that of not yet healing. Trauma is already an isolated place, and making healing “your” responsibility remains limited to one person. Pressure, on the other hand, comes with the risk of overwhelming one’s nervous system or keeping it stuck in freeze/collapse physiology. Embodied hope has the potential to be a resource for a survivor’s nervous system. When pressure outweighs hope, it’s no longer empowering. In my experience, this burden outweighs the hope for many trauma survivors. While the idea of personal responsibility comes with a bit of hope, it also comes with pressure. It feels like a punch in the gut or that sinking feeling that accompanies “…but I should be over it by now.” Related: Netflix Puts Christian Comedian John Crist's Special 'On Hold' After Sexual Misconduct AllegationsĪs soon as we add a “but…” we knock some of the air out of this realization. I can’t begin to describe the importance of that full stop or the healing potential contained within the space that follows. It has that familiar individualist ring to it that has folks grabbing for their bootstraps while standing alone in their suffering. This last “but” appears well-intentioned while still carrying a similar weight of individual responsibility for a process that is rarely possible on one’s own. “…but I shouldn’t have gone to that party.”
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